Just let­ting you all know.

 I think it's a sign my family's get­ting older and older, or just not hunt­ing, or some­thing. No one got a deer on the first or sec­ond day, or at all that I've heard of. And I know the PA deer pop­u­la­tion is explod­ing and has been for some time. I never got one. I had a chance a cou­ple times. My brother and I were right down behind the house at join­ing of our feeder crick with See­ley Creek. I didn't have my mind in the hunt–I often didn't–so my brother tapped me on the shoul­der and pointed across the water to the steep side­hill cov­ered in pine. A buck was skit­ter­ing his way down among the pine nee­dles and rocks, a cou­ple doe close behind. I can't remem­ber what I was hunt­ing with–probably my brother's 12-gauge– but I remem­ber draw­ing the bead down behind the front leg and wait­ing for the buck to stop at the bot­tom before he took off again. I waited and waited, in the way time turns like molasses before the shot, and real­ized I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it. I liked veni­son, a great deal, but not enough to shoot and kill to get it. So I didn't shoot. My brother winked at me when I brought the bar­rel down, but didn't say any­thing. He didn't shoot either, but he has his own rea­sons for that. I don't know them.

As penance of a sort, I haven't eaten veni­son much since then. Though I do love the mem­ory of see­ing the deer hang from the apple tree overnight, and then butcher­ing the cold car­cass on the metal din­ing room table, see­ing my dad or my mother slide the knife into the meat on either side of the spine, and how the back­strap would go straight into the fry­ing pan with some but­ter, maybe some flour–I don't remem­ber exactly–and then out on a com­mu­nal plate, even while our hands were still bloody, and even though the car­cass wasn't nearly done.

I have bad mem­o­ries too, like try­ing to force the shot-meat and the gris­tle into some­thing iden­ti­fi­able as ham­burger, which meant through the hand-grinder attached tem­porar­ily to the kitchen counter,and often com­ing close to break­ing the thing. That was my job, to grind.And grind. And grind some more.